Mindful language: what does ‘mothering’ mean?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the language we use when discussing issues pertaining to equality. Take, for example, the use of ‘mothering’ as opposed to ‘parenting’ and vice versa. When I read an article or website that continually refers to mothering (or parenting, or fathering) exclusively, with no mention of the context or meaning, it can be confusing. Which is appropriate to use and in what circumstances?
A site called Only Dads recently sent me an article they’d written about why they believe we should not call ‘Mothering Sunday’ (what it has traditionally been called in the UK) ‘Mother’s Day’ (what some people have taken to calling it as of late, perhaps due to American or corporate marketing influence). Mothering, they argue, can be done by both mothers and fathers and there are a significant number of men out there performing the mothering (i.e. sole care provider, nurturing, etc..) role. Whilst I appreciate and applaud their efforts to normalise and encourage nurturing, responsible parenting among dads, I think the language used is potentially counter-productive.
‘Mothering’ will always be associated with women because only women are mothers. And right now in our society, mothers are the ones who take on the bulk of the caring and domestic roles. ‘Mothering’, therefore, is synonymous with the way women care for children. A father who takes on the role that has traditionally been filled by the mother isn’t ‘mothering’, he is ‘parenting.’ A man caring for his children is not exactly the same as a woman doing so because they are not working within the same societal structures and paradigms. They operate under different pressures, expectations and with different challenges due to cultural beliefs.
According to Andrea O’Reilly, director of the Association for Research on Mothering and the author of Feminist Mothering, “the word ‘mothering’ refers to women’s experiences of mothering that are female-defined and centred and potentially empowering to women” (pg. 3). Mothering is, in and of itself, a valid term because it addresses these differences and acknowledges that women are expected to parent differently than fathers. It doesn’t mean it is always appropriate to use it in preference to ‘parenting’ though.
When speaking generally about the responsibilities of parents to their children and not specifically about how women experience childrearing, I believe it is essential to use ‘parenting’ rather than ‘mothering’ and to understand why these terms are not interchangeable. That leads, then, to the question: what, exactly, is fathering? A look at the dictionary definitions for both ‘fathering’ and ‘mothering’ reveals the cultural bias present: ‘fathering’ is defined as “acting as a father (to a child)” or “acknowledging responsibility for.” What it means to actually father a child (beyond the physical act of procreation) is anyone’s guess, it appears.
Mothering, on the other hand, gets a more specific definition. It is, according to many sources, “the nurturing and raising of a child or children by a mother.” So we know what is expected of mothers but, aside from ‘taking responsibility’ (which is a pretty vague, subjective phrase), fathering isn’t clearly defined. What exactly is expected of a man who is fathering a child? Does ‘taking responsibility’ mean simply acknowledging its existence and providing financial support? Does it mean providing guidance, love and discipline? Is it a father’s job to care for a child’s day-to-day needs and perform the less-abstract and more mundane tasks associated with that child’s care, or does that fall under the ‘mothering’ category, which is the domain of women? By using the term ‘mothering’ to mean ‘caring for and raising a child’, we are cementing the idea that these things are only done by women, or should be.
Have women historically been the primary caregivers for their children? Yes. Should that be discounted or ignored? No. But if we want parenting to be something equally performed by and invested in by both men and women, we need to use language that indicates that desire. As stated above, mothering is a very valid term but usually only in a political context when discussing how gendered expectations influence the way we parent or how we operate within a system prejudiced against women in general. It has a time and a place to be used, certainly. But continually calling play groups ‘Mummy and Me’ or school social events ‘Mums’ Coffee Mornings’ says to fathers that they are not welcome, that they are not really meant to be there (and says to mums that they should). Even if they are a minority in those groups, fathers need not be discounted. Perhaps more dads would become visible in the community, actively parenting their children, if the language used wasn’t so explicit in its belief that only women do these things.
Likewise, involved dads needn’t co-opt the term ‘mothering’ to indicate that they are taking an active role in raising their children. Their experiences as fathers, even those who are the sole care providers for their offspring, are going to be different to mothers’. What they do need to do is think about better defining ‘fathering’ and invite discourse among men on how that role fits into the societal frameworks already present. And if the role they play (or would like to play) doesn’t fit within that framework? Tear it down and start again. Challenge the stereotypes of what a father does. Don’t be afraid to ask for more mindful, inclusive language at your child’s school or at the community centre. Don’t be afraid to do the tasks more commonly associated with ‘mothering’. Don’t let society’s narrow view of masculinity affect the way you care for and interact with your children.
So my response to Only Dads’ article is this: dads don’t need to be included in Mothering Sunday, they need a radical overhaul and fine-tuning of what it means to father. Perhaps campaigning for Father’s Day to be renamed ‘Fathering Sunday’ would be a start? Or maybe, just maybe, we could do away with these his-n-her’s divisions and focus our energies on making parenting a word that brings to mind members of both sexes, performing a variety of roles within their individual families and communities.
Just to add another dimension to this, I would stress that not all children are in fact brought up by their mother or their father, sometimes aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, do this job.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..The Fossil Hunter =-.
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admin Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 3:30 PM
Yes, good point Jess. But even then, if it’s a female doing the caring (be it a grandmother, aunt, friend, etc..) she is usually said to be ‘mothering’ the child, whereas ‘fathering’ a child that isn’t one’s biological ‘own’ is less commonly used in that context. Fathering seems to have a literal interpretation but not so much of a social one.
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Wonderful post and analysis. As a Dad who looks after his kids for some weekdays (and did so for several months as a sole carer, what one Mum described as the hardcore stuff). I’ll happily just do parental stuff and be a ‘man’, in the hope this might change perceptions (and really wish more men could be made to do so so that that change comes quicker). Other men I know in similar situations do the same, usually laughing off the word father and asserting ‘I’m just a parent’. This is very similar to your final point, I think.
I would, however, and I realise this only a tiny part of your post, be really loathe to try and define ‘father’ as you suggest. This is partly because the experiences of men (as of women) are very varied, and that one of our privileges as men is not yet having to set out what it is to be parent and a man, in ways which lead to some feeling they are being described as neither because of choices they make. Since fathers4justice and their ilk nicked it for their own loathsomeness I wouldn’t go near ‘father’ in any discussion of roles because of the antipathies it now suggests. I certainly always bottle it when it comes up directly, because (although I’d never use the term myself and will whinge afterwards) women suggesting I am ‘as good as a mother’ are usually supportive of my decisions in ways I really need, whereas men and women describing me as a ‘father’ are less so. As for asking for gender-specific names for the groups we go to to be redefined (Mums and Bumps always made me giggle stupidly in context): it intrinsically casts me as someone at the outset willing to try and claim a female space or who is entirely self-centred (which is a justifiable fear, far more so than me feeling a tad excluded). It’s a cop-out, I know, but if you are a ‘working father’ (in the same way as others are ‘working mothers’), you’re simply talking to the wrong people to make a difference. And the experiences of me and the men with whom I might ‘invite discourse’ are so different that they too will probably end in antipathy. Maybe my pessimism is unfounded but perhaps, after all, just doing stuff (as you end on) is the only real answer.
Sorry, I know that this is really not your main point in what was a great analysis of all three terms, but ‘fatherhood’ seems to me a term too wrapped up in negative baggage to be reclaimed in any existing context.
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[...] Feminism presents Mindful language: what does ‘mothering’ mean?, jumping off from a discussion about what to call Mother’s Day with a post about how we use [...]
[...] Feminism presents Mindful language: what does ‘mothering’ mean?, jumping off from a discussion about what to call Mother’s Day with a post about how we use [...]
It is interesting that a post on language and its uses is filed under a heading that is known to have its origins in racism. Why have you decided to use ‘The Nitty Gritty’ on your website? It is an extremly offensive term and you should remove it.
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Fertile Fem Reply:
March 30th, 2010 at 4:52 PM
I had no idea of this term’s racist origins. I apologise and am removing it. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
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