Posts tagged birth choices

There’s often a lot of talk within feminist discourse about involving men in creating change. At points, it does feel like we’ve done all we can to press for new laws, new attitudes and less cultural biases against women. So we surmise that, really, it’s men who need to be taking on more responsibility, creating their own brand of activism and making adjustments, not us. In many areas of women’s rights this is (somewhat) true. While men maintain the upper hand in all of the institutions that govern our lives, there’s only so much we can do before we get the rights we deserve.  Ideally, we would have many men in our feminist revolution. If they don’t join or at least acknowledge our movement, it will continue to be more of an uphill struggle than a swift climb towards progress (short of violent protest and economic overthrow, of course, which I do admit to fantasising about on occasion after a run-in with a particularly virulent strain of misogynist or capitalist).

Why, then, does my visceral reaction to certain groups of men trying to get more involved seem to be: ‘Oh, sod off! What do you know about it? Stop making this all about you!’ I’ve noticed that this reaction happens a lot more when it comes to things that are and always will be the exclusive domain of women (pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding) than for things which have nothing to do with biology and everything to do with social conditioning, like gender roles.

For example, men who campaign for more involvement in their children’s gestations and births and demand more antenatal and maternity resources devoted to helping dads-to-be cope with becoming fathers. They want more attention paid to them at antenatal appointments, a bigger role at the birth and literature and support aimed at helping them help their partners succeed at breastfeeding. On paper and rationally, I know that men wanting to be more involved in these things is good, and fair. If it gives a father a greater sense of responsibility and attachment towards his child before it’s even born, I’m all for it. If it helps break down, in his mind, the cultural norm in our society that says babies are women’s business and men are only to provide for them financially and practically, all the better. However, I can’t help but bristle and feel a bit exasperated at the sense of self-importance and inflated vision of a father’s role in these areas that some men exhibit. Perhaps it’s because these issues, like abortion, are to do with our bodies, not theirs. It sometimes seems like just another way to assert control in an area where women should be holding the reins. It can bring to mind those who claim to care about equality but continually challenge the idea of female oppression by pointing to the substantially less common crimes or injustices against men (like male victims of female-perpetrated domestic violence and rape, or job discrimination), which can come across as just a way of saying, “Yes, yes, we know you’re oppressed, but you have been for ages and you’re used to it. But what about us?!”

Just like I can try to be an ally to people of colour and gay/queer/trans individuals, I cannot ever live their experience and know it’s not really my place to demand that greater (already precious and rare) resources be devoted to educating me and ensuring I don’t further screw things up for them. While acknowledgement from the majority/the oppressor is important in securing equality, so is the minority/oppressed’s need to feel safe in their own spaces and that they are creating change with their own voices and own grassroots empowerment; otherwise, ‘success’ will still feel like something that was done for or to that group to make the privileged feel good about themselves, not built on the movement’s own merit, for those most effected by it.

Fathers should be encouraged to ask that schools and medical professionals address them as well as mothers when it comes to their kids’ educations and health; that media outlets not portray them as helpless, bumbling idiots; to campaign for a longer and better paid paternity leave in the postnatal period; to require their employers to offer flexible working hours and situations so they can take an active and equal role in their children’s care; and to raise their boys without macho expectations and their girls without some preconceived idea of femininity. Additionally, all men who want to be feminist allies should be actively speaking out against domestic and sexual violence, the insidious nature of the sex trade, the gender pay gap, the objectification and sexualisation of girls and women and gender stereotypes that constrict both sexes, amongst others.

But when it comes to our bodies and what we do with them, especially reproductively, the utmost sensitivity and restraint should be exercised. Even if the aim is not to control but help and learn, remember that we have been fighting for the right to absolute authority over our bodies and childbearing decisions for centuries and have, in most areas, still have not been granted full autonomy in this regard. Our trust will not come easily. Our need for support from our partners but ultimate command of ourselves means, for many men, relinquishing the role of decision-maker or complete equal. Men may have to take a back seat at times and they should become comfortable with that, not feel threatened or marginalised by it.

Sometimes, it really is all about us.

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