Posts tagged co-parenting
What about the men? Allies, privilege and collaboration
3
There’s often a lot of talk within feminist discourse about involving men in creating change. At points, it does feel like we’ve done all we can to press for new laws, new attitudes and less cultural biases against women. So we surmise that, really, it’s men who need to be taking on more responsibility, creating their own brand of activism and making adjustments, not us. In many areas of women’s rights this is (somewhat) true. While men maintain the upper hand in all of the institutions that govern our lives, there’s only so much we can do before we get the rights we deserve. Ideally, we would have many men in our feminist revolution. If they don’t join or at least acknowledge our movement, it will continue to be more of an uphill struggle than a swift climb towards progress (short of violent protest and economic overthrow, of course, which I do admit to fantasising about on occasion after a run-in with a particularly virulent strain of misogynist or capitalist).
Why, then, does my visceral reaction to certain groups of men trying to get more involved seem to be: ‘Oh, sod off! What do you know about it? Stop making this all about you!’ I’ve noticed that this reaction happens a lot more when it comes to things that are and always will be the exclusive domain of women (pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding) than for things which have nothing to do with biology and everything to do with social conditioning, like gender roles.
For example, men who campaign for more involvement in their children’s gestations and births and demand more antenatal and maternity resources devoted to helping dads-to-be cope with becoming fathers. They want more attention paid to them at antenatal appointments, a bigger role at the birth and literature and support aimed at helping them help their partners succeed at breastfeeding. On paper and rationally, I know that men wanting to be more involved in these things is good, and fair. If it gives a father a greater sense of responsibility and attachment towards his child before it’s even born, I’m all for it. If it helps break down, in his mind, the cultural norm in our society that says babies are women’s business and men are only to provide for them financially and practically, all the better. However, I can’t help but bristle and feel a bit exasperated at the sense of self-importance and inflated vision of a father’s role in these areas that some men exhibit. Perhaps it’s because these issues, like abortion, are to do with our bodies, not theirs. It sometimes seems like just another way to assert control in an area where women should be holding the reins. It can bring to mind those who claim to care about equality but continually challenge the idea of female oppression by pointing to the substantially less common crimes or injustices against men (like male victims of female-perpetrated domestic violence and rape, or job discrimination), which can come across as just a way of saying, “Yes, yes, we know you’re oppressed, but you have been for ages and you’re used to it. But what about us?!”
Just like I can try to be an ally to people of colour and gay/queer/trans individuals, I cannot ever live their experience and know it’s not really my place to demand that greater (already precious and rare) resources be devoted to educating me and ensuring I don’t further screw things up for them. While acknowledgement from the majority/the oppressor is important in securing equality, so is the minority/oppressed’s need to feel safe in their own spaces and that they are creating change with their own voices and own grassroots empowerment; otherwise, ‘success’ will still feel like something that was done for or to that group to make the privileged feel good about themselves, not built on the movement’s own merit, for those most effected by it.
Fathers should be encouraged to ask that schools and medical professionals address them as well as mothers when it comes to their kids’ educations and health; that media outlets not portray them as helpless, bumbling idiots; to campaign for a longer and better paid paternity leave in the postnatal period; to require their employers to offer flexible working hours and situations so they can take an active and equal role in their children’s care; and to raise their boys without macho expectations and their girls without some preconceived idea of femininity. Additionally, all men who want to be feminist allies should be actively speaking out against domestic and sexual violence, the insidious nature of the sex trade, the gender pay gap, the objectification and sexualisation of girls and women and gender stereotypes that constrict both sexes, amongst others.
But when it comes to our bodies and what we do with them, especially reproductively, the utmost sensitivity and restraint should be exercised. Even if the aim is not to control but help and learn, remember that we have been fighting for the right to absolute authority over our bodies and childbearing decisions for centuries and have, in most areas, still have not been granted full autonomy in this regard. Our trust will not come easily. Our need for support from our partners but ultimate command of ourselves means, for many men, relinquishing the role of decision-maker or complete equal. Men may have to take a back seat at times and they should become comfortable with that, not feel threatened or marginalised by it.
Sometimes, it really is all about us.
The chicken or the egg: Paternity leave and gender roles
12
So as you probably didn’t hear (because I’ve not seen it covered anywhere within the feminist blogosphere – sigh – and only given marginal press within mainstream media), Labour announced a couple days ago quite radical changes to the maternity and paternity leave laws, which will apply to children due on or after 3 April 2011 (provided they win the next general election).
Right now in the UK, a woman who gives birth to or adopts a child while in paid employment* is entitled to nine months’ paid maternity leave (most of which is on the Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) of £123.06 per week; only the first six weeks is paid at 90% of one’s regular salary) and then three further months unpaid, with her partner being eligible for two weeks’ paid paternity leave, also paid at the SMP rate. Some employers pay more on top of that but many don’t so it can be assumed that this is what the majority of employees who take maternity or paternity leave will earn.
The proposed changes would give a woman the option of returning to work after six months, transferring the remaining three months of paid leave over to her partner. Her partner would then have the option of taking a further three months’ leave from his or her** job, unpaid. The total leave would still amount to 12 months (9 paid, 3 unpaid) but would be more easily split between them. In theory, this would give female breadwinners and those who would like to return to work after six months the ability to go back sooner without having to put their babies into non-familial care. It would also give men who earn less than their partners or who want to be more involved in their child’s care in the first year an opportunity to stay at home for 3-6 months without losing their jobs.
That’s the bare-bones of it and how it’s laid out on paper. However, whether and how it is taken up in practise is another matter entirely. Let’s run this through a reality check.
First, let’s look at the various combinations that could be employed with this new legislation. One reality is that some women won’t be able to afford being on the SMP rate at all (a more likely situation for single mums) and so will return to work even sooner than six months. This change does not help her at all, sadly. Another likely scenario for many people will be for the mother to stay at home for the full nine months until the unpaid portion of leave kicks in, which she may or may not take depending on the family’s circumstances. This may be due to personal choice, social conditioning/pressure or practical reasons (such as financial concerns or breastfeeding).
But a woman who takes her six months’ leave and then decides to return to work after this period of time (because she is the higher earner or because her income, though less than her partner’s, is needed, or simply because she wants to) now has the option of putting her 5-6 month-old baby into care or transferring the remainder of her leave entitlement over to her partner (if she has one). In families where it is financially possible for the father to take a 3-6 month financial hit after the mother already has as well, without any severe consequences, this is potentially great news. But in a family where unpaid or reduced-pay leave for the father (even for ‘only’ three months) is not an option, does it seem likely that the male partner will be willing or able to take over the childcare duties for those three months? Will he even want to? Or will it “make more sense” for the woman to stay at home for the three remaining ‘paid’ months, as she has done for the previous six, especially if she is paid less, is breastfeeding and/or already has a daily routine and support system in place?
Though I do think that there are certainly couples out there in which the woman either needs or wants to return to work after six months and the father would be willing, perhaps even eager, to be the sole care provider for his child for at least three months, I don’t think as many men will take it up as one might expect or hope. First, there is the social stigma to deal with. A man wanting to look after his baby in theory faces the reality of having to ask for the leave from his employer and then explain to his colleagues why he will be gone. For most men, caring for children is still widely viewed as ‘women’s work’ and taking on a role almost exclusively performed by women can be viewed as a threat to his status, both socially and professionally; if not by him then certainly by at least some of his peers.
A man who looks after his children is often viewed as a bumbling, inept ‘helper’ to the mother, doing her a favour or humouring her for the sake of the ‘easy life’. Fathers I’ve spoken to (including my own husband) have told me of the times they’ve taken their children out in public without the mother present and gotten comments about how great he is for “taking them off mum’s hands,” or “giving mum the day off” as if that’s the only reason he would be solely responsible for them — as a favour to his wife or partner. Heaven forbid he actually wants and is able to look after them by himself! Some dads even report being asked if they’re divorced and on a ‘weekend pass’ with their children.
The social conditioning that men (and all of us) have been subject to sends the strong message that fathers are the second-string, the back-up team, only needed when mum isn’t around for some (usually selfish) reason. Even then, fathers aren’t expected to perform as well at parenting as their female counterparts. I’ve heard many a story of other women rushing in to offer to make a cake for a single dad who is supposed to contribute to the school’s bake sale, or telling a stay-at-home dad that he doesn’t have to take part in the snack rota at playgroup because he “has his hands full already.” The message to men, from all sides, is that parenting is not really their area of expertise (or at least, combining parenting with household responsibilities isn’t) and that just keeping the children alive and fed and the house standing is all that is expected of them.
The second hurdle in encouraging men to take this option is financial. If a man is the higher earner (as is the case in the majority of partnerships), it will be much more difficult and sometimes even impossible for him to collect SMP wages instead of his normal salary. Of the small proportion of families who would be able to do this, few within that group would be able to function without any income at all on his part, if he were to take the final three months unpaid. It isn’t clear from the wording of the new legislation but I’ve read from other sources that if a couple wants the father to take his three months at SMP but cannot afford for him to take the final three months unpaid, they lose the option for the mother to take it, effectively shortening their total entitlement to just nine months instead of twelve. This is supposedly to encourage more fathers to take at least their three months at SMP.
Again, it sounds good in theory, giving a bit of incentive for men to take the paternity leave they are entitled to, but I remain doubtful that the incentives will be enough to overcome the social and financial hurdles that a lengthened paternity leave presents. Until the social stigma of men caring for children and performing domestic duties is broken and until women receive equal pay and opportunities at work, free from gender discrimination, paternity leave and maternity leave will remain quick fixes for a much wider, more complex problem that is endemic in our society.
**Paternity leave applies to female partners of women who give birth or adopt but for the sake of simplicity and because heterosexual relationships that produce children are more prevalent, I will be using ‘he’ to signify the partners of new mothers